beach -bitch

your on the beach - having the beach time of your life
i am just being a bitch in my house " city bitch time"
drinking way too much ,and thinking about stuff and things
not like you.......................................... im not taking care of another human being
i can hardly manage my own self today
i guess it's equally hard-not having time for yourself or having way too much time
so yeah,there is no  one calling me-"mom look,mom come, mom go...."
just me sipping my cold hazelnut coffee,feeling the caffeine rush
and just feeling self centered. i can slam a door on my face to wake my self up
zap out of it"coffe bitch"
but then i have learned that slamming large objects on myself doesn't lead to great results as well.
so yeah,i go visit friends and talk to them about there life's and i find it balancing,and wonderful
but  the minute i walk into my own thoughts
they just suck me in-Zbang...Shabang....Boom
it's true -its never easy being me
 who  ever knows me well enough will agree
plus this is a difficult moment.
and i might  need time to digest everything that's been going around but  the fact your in on the beach having a amazing time with your beautiful family,doesn't connect with my bitch time
so im sorry
but i hate you today

5 good days

finally i rest

my heart is not shaking

my head is clear to think of other things

new idea's

i am not fighting with my fears, how ? when? should i?

is this the end? 

the end of what i know, but the a new start-

a new start that seems like everyone else's life except mine...

i breath

im not going to worry

i trust myself to seek my own dream

to find my own way

and yes-i feel good

about us

and im not going to spoil it for myself with worrying.

worring gives you rinkels,and bad breath

well i made that up

any way

thank you 

by Hagar Enosh-for me to remember

את מהאנשים שמאירים את כל מה שלידם, פחדתי בהתחלה כשחזרת מניו יורק שנעבוד יחד , כי ככ אהבתי אותך שפחדתי שזה יעלם בגלל האינצידנטים שקורים באופן טבעי כשעובדים יחד, אבל התאהבתי בך יותר,   ולעבוד אתך זאת מתנה כי את מאפשרת , כי את מלאה , לידך אני מרגישה שיוצאים הדברים כמו שהם צריכים לצאת כי יש לך את הכישרון להשרות מתח של עין מבקרת וחופש של נקודה טובה שאת מאמינה בבן אדם שמולך ונראה לי שזאת נוסחה מנצחת.בלגרום לאנשים להוציא את מה שיש בהם .
את יפה יפה
וזה דבר גדול לפגוש בך .
את מרגשת
כשהיית פה במקסיקו את כמו הזרקת את החמצן החסר פה, לאנשים סביבך,ולא רק חמצן, גם חופש גם פרספקטיבה וחלומות..
כיף שאת קיימת כי כשפוגשים בך אי אפשר לפקפק בקיום של אלוקים.:)

bright side

i definitely want to look at the bright side
by now i really understand it's all about "how we look at things"

Love Me More-Again.

Love me more .
Love me much more!
Love me soooooooooooooooooo much more....
so i can feel your love surrounding me,securing me.
Holding  me  down to the Ground . But lightly,so i can always escape.
chase me...
chase like i was a butterfly,  catch me gently  with an open palm,then let me hover around you
be my flower and my wine
be my blanket and my sai
Love me  so so much so i know you are there.as if i was blind and deaf
Love me so i can touch it, smell it ,yet mainly- help me remember it's there.
Love me  like a bear loves honey,i want to be irresistible  thought you know you will be stung.
Love me strong.
make me feel helpless and lost then let me do the same to you.
love me with courage ,breaking every rule you had
show me something new,be my mirror be my glue

Love me with joy so i can drink it ,when i'm as dry as the  desert tree.
Love me More
 Every single  day, as if i had no memory,and  there was only this day.
Love me, fucking so much.
love me like like you want to touch me with your skin in side out
Love me more.
for i need it!
i need it like the night needs the moon and stars.
Help me !
Help me ,please.

by loving me some more,let your self fall into me,yet never loose your way
For my gardens are a mess,we will both  find our death.
bring a light-so we never get lost a flashlight made of a  hug,hug me strong ,hug me long.hug me with your  love stick.
Everyday
And only now, can  i love You More !
Everyday

nothing matters

so i had a bad day

it felt like shit.

i felt alone.

you , were way to far .

i needed a real hug.

Someone to touch and smell.

the virtual hugging was not working for me.

i noticed my frustration growing provoking my anger-

" IT'S ALWAYS GONNA FEEL LIKE THIS!

In the moments i most need to feel connected, feel " a part off" , or just have a shoulder to lay My troubled head-there is NO ONE but myself...

And It makes me angry!"

So ,i put my favorite tv show on,yet i kept feeling bad.

i need to change something.

If i can't change this feeling,maybe i can change the situation?

so,i imagined you are no longer part of my world-

if you are not part of it, i can't feel like i miss any thing from you.

smart move i thought...

the chain of thinking changed the way i felt , suddenly there was freedom an old friend, i was back to my own self,but then emptiness started to snick in

and the feeling of emptiness is just,how can i describe this enemy...just so low....

"why bother living "-is the next thought jumping into my blonde head.

GO TO SLEEP,i order myself as i take a Nap.

as naps go,an hour later i was up

ate 12 cookies,with decaf coffe.

hoping for relase...but the feeling was still there.

yach.

"so i am having a bad day."

"so what?"

"do i have to give every happy thought up?"

i know, it's not the thoughts, it's the feelings that joins them

like this one-NOTHING MATTERS...

and with that one...i just can't, but can't fight.

so i took myself for a walk in the park, it was dark late and cold

but i had to challenge myself

it's humiliating to feel like nothing is worth living for.

cause i love living so much...

i guess it's just the way things feel from time to time

i have these days....

that NOTHING matters.

and i am willing to give up love

and i surrender to the emptiness

but i do fight-and reach out for my flashlight in the dark

waiting for a new day to clear the dust away....

Simple

it's simple.

what can i say? it's just better.

i wake up feeling happier

i go to sleep feeling optimistic,even on lonely rainy days

i just don't feel lonely.

it's simple.

maybe, it's like the spring.

i feel there's something growing inside me

And it sure does smell good.

it's simple. it's simple and natural.

Yet at the same time, it's exciting!

Like a rainbow in the sky - when the sun and rain meet

"Finally " they say while creating the colorful joy .

I feel it's simple,i don't worry.

Even when you are far away, i feel you close.

its like a heart beat ,that pumps and pumps

I listen

And enjoy the strength of the beat that comes with a sense of aliveness.

it's like a cup of water on a hot day,or a cupcake in Nyc

it's like you saying-just lay back and enjoy the ride,ill take you as far as we want to go

because it's simple.

and sacred like a temple in Bahli.

may our simple love grow and nourish us and others

may it keep you safe on your journey

and may you come back simply to love

Ready

i am ready for your love

i know i was far away from it so long

i am ready to be loved

i am ready to be one

i am willing to belief

i am here and that's enough

i am here with open arms

i know you won't leave me like this

i am giving you my heart

and sharing all my tunes

i ask nothing in return

but to let it shine with in

i am giving you my love

i am loving just to give

i am ready now for love

let it be my sticks and stones